Three

Three. 

Wednesday June 1st, 2016 makes three. 

Three years since I've seen your face, heard your voice, and felt your touch. 

I remember three years ago feeling numb and really not knowing how I would ever make it in life. I remember thinking how will I make it one year without her? Three years without her? How will I make it ten more? Twenty? It really is so hard to comprehend.

In three years, I've faced a lot. There were times when I did not want to go to school anymore. All I wanted was to stay at home with Beau and Dad. I came home from college every weekend. And then there were times when I got brave and strong and did things I never thought I would do. 

I remember going to Nashville as a little girl thinking, I'm going to live there someday. It's been a dream of mine for as long as I can think back to. And now, here I am, with an apartment in Brentwood, an incredible job in Franklin, and living in the city of Nashville that I have always loved. 

So to be where I am today from where I was three years ago today... I get chills thinking about it. God's plan is always so good. I wondered if I would ever be happy again after mom died. I wondered if I would ever have the motivation to go out and pursue my dreams. But God gets you through it and gives you all the desires of your heart if you just trust him. 

If Mom were here, I know she would be sad that her baby girl would be moving. But I also know that she would be so proud of me for what I've accomplished in the last three years. 

Thank you Momma for never leaving me and being by my side through it all. I feel you every time I need you and know you are near. Thank you for being my angel. I love you forever and ever. 

The Last Gift My Mother Gave To Me

Looking at the "memories" Facebook brings up each day can be bittersweet. Today was one of those bittersweet days. Missing mom has been a bit harder than usual lately - and I'm not sure why. I find myself playing the voicemails from her on my phone more often than usual, and I find myself at the graveyard more and more. 

Today I saw where 3 years ago, my mom and I went shopping in Memphis for a dress to my sorority's formal. I think back to this day often. It was our last shopping trip ever. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever take a shopping trip with that woman, I would have never left. 

I was somewhat unaware of how bad off mom was. My parents kept a lot of Mom's diagnoses a secret from my brother and me, because they did not want us to worry. So when I asked my mom to join me on an all day trip to the Memphis Mall to shop for a dress, I didn't realize how much of an obstacle this was for her until she passed away just a few months later. 

Of course she said yes. She never would have said no. And that's the thing about mother's. They really do anything and everything for their kids. I vividly remember her trailing behind me and being short of breath, I remember her saying "we will have to get a wheel chair." I remember pushing her all over the mall, telling her the whole time we could leave, but she never would. 

I remember our meal at the Macaroni Grill. This is one of the last conversations I remember having with her. We were talking about when I have kids someday. I remember telling her that I would be the type of mom who wouldn't leave her kids with just any baby sitter. I remember her saying to me, well who are you gonna get to watch your kids when you need a date night? And I remember so confidently saying, "you!" The look on her face after I said that, said it all. I knew what she was thinking, and she knew that I knew, too. She was thinking about how she wouldn't be there. 

Later that day we found a dress. It took hours, because I am who I am and I can never make up my mind. She saw every dress on me, gave her honest opinion, and helped me find that dress. I remember her saying, "that's the one." That day always makes me think and imagine what it would be like if she could be there when I pick out my wedding dress someday in the future. 

The car ride home, was nothing short of perfect. I got yelled at the whole time for my driving - no surprise there. It was a day I will never forget. 

What I realized today is that the last gift my mom gave me wasn't that dress. The last gift she gave me was that day. That day when she felt terrible, but went with me anyway. When three weeks later, she was unable to get out of bed. She was in so much more pain than I ever knew, but she did it for me anyways. She always did anything for me anyways. Thank you , Momma for everything you ever did and everything you still somehow manage to do. I love you. 

Thank you

You're fifteen, he's sixteen, and you think you're head over heels in love. Every adult laughs at the thought of you two being together for the rest of your lives, but you're convinced. Without a shadow of a doubt, that sixteen year old boy on the football team is going to be your husband. 

Fast forward seven years. You've proved everyone wrong, and you're still with that boy who is your high school sweetheart. You're a year away from graduating college and starting your career when all of the sudden marrying this man becomes a real thought. And what you thought you always wanted, what you just assumed would always happen, all of the sudden isn't at all what you really want. You think back to that fifteen year old girl who dreamed about the times that you're living right then. Is this how you pictured it to be? 

So you do the hardest thing you've ever done. You end it. Because you decide you don't just want to settle. You want to be crazy in love with someone, like you've always dreamed of being. It's hard, and you spend many nights wondering if you did the right thing, leaving your comfort zone. 

Fast forward nine more months. You've had time to heal, time to know that you made the right decision. You've talked to some boys, had some good times, but nothing has come along that's made you realize why you did what you did. 

Then one night, when you least expect it, you meet the one who changes everything. 

When I met you I wasn't in the brightest of places. You quickly brought me out of a serious funk I was in and helped me start to see happiness again. With you, things were easy. It was amazing and young and fresh and exciting and you were sweet and funny and just like me in so many ways. It was addicting. It hit me hard when I quickly realized how much you meant to me. You showed me how much I deserved. You were so thoughtful, you showed me off, and you made me feel so special. I started seeing a future with you and I realized that I was falling in love. I meant every word I said and the problem with people like me who mean everything they say, is that they believe everyone else means everything that they say too. 

So I never thought that you'd just give up. Change your mind. And so quickly too. I'm not mad. Just frustrated. How am I supposed to look at you and not see our future that never was? The thing that is the most frustrating is knowing how happy I make you. If I would have known that feeling would be ripped away from me so quickly, I would have cherished the moments we shared and never taken them for granted. I think commitment isn't something that comes easy to a lot of people, but being the hopeless romantic that I am, I'll never understand why. I think when I told you I liked certain little things about you, things you'd never been complimented on before, your heart beat so loudly in your chest that the first thing you thought to do was to run. I think your heart begged you to hold on but your mind was on the other end screaming at you to let me go. That's when you changed your mind. 

You taught me what I deserve, both out of life and out of a man, and I'll never be able to fully express how thankful I am for that. You let me into your world- your head, your family, and your heart- and you made me feel comfortable enough to do the same. You made me realize why I decided not to settle months ago for just that meteocre happiness. 

So even though it didn't work out with you, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to feel what it's like to really be happy. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I've made a lot of mistakes. But every time I fail, I get closer to seeing what the future should be like. I'm on the path. I'm getting closer and closer to the truth and I'm excited to see what that may bring. I'm learning to be my own best friend and my own support system. I'm learning to give myself the love and happiness I know I deserve.