November is a hard month for me & has been for, what I can't believe, 5 years now. November 17th, 2011 was the day we found out Mom had cancer. And ever since then this time of the year is just hard. The weather. The trees. The leaves. The smells. I love it all, but it's bittersweet. It brings it all back.
When I think back to moments of my life, everything is either before or after November 17th, 2011. Before mom had cancer or after mom had cancer. Because the day she died was not the day we lost her, the day we lost her was the day we found out she had cancer. Life was & would never be the same. It's something you cannot explain unless you experience it yourself.
So even though I'm a huge holiday lover, no matter how hard I try, I cannot force the feeling I had when mom was here to come back. It just doesn't feel like the holidays anymore. It hasn't for the past two Christmases & I'm starting to think it won't ever again. What makes the holidays feel like the holidays? The cold weather. The Macy's thanksgiving Day parade on tv. The big meal you eat & when each member of the family goes around & says what they are thankful for. Putting up the tree. The music. Wrapping presents. Spending time with family. Christmas movies. Baking on Christmas Eve. Hot chocolate by the fireplace. These are typically the things that make the holidays.. The holidays.
These past 5 years since we found out that momma had cancer have been a huge reality check for me. All of those things that made the holidays feel like the holidays, haven't mattered anymore. No matter how hard I try.. None of it feels the same when I'm not doing those things with her.
The first Christmas that mom had cancer was just a month after she was diagnosed. So quickly you realize how meaningless any of the hustle & bustle is. If you don't have family.. You just don't have any of it. You realize
It
Really
Doesn't
Matter
What does matter is family. It's spending time with them during the holidays & really focusing in on what's important. It's going back & realizing that Jesus is the reason for all of this. I don't care anymore... I don't care about the presents or the most perfect decorations. Sure, I love Christmas movies & songs & I want to get the house decorated just right like momma did. But it really doesn't matter. I would give anything, anything to have the holidays feel like they did when she were here. I would give anything to wrap my arms around her neck again. So I'll take this time & enjoy it with the family I do still have here.
What I really want is joy. Joy back to our family like we had before. I want to know that everything will be okay, & that all of this we've gone through in 5 years really does work for my good & His glory. Those things can't be bought.
So this year when you're thinking about the holidays, try to take some time to really, & I mean really, be thankful for you're loved ones. Tell them. Tell them again. If you're in college, go home the second you get the chance. I guarantee your mom cannot wait for you to be home to cook for you & spend Christmastime with you like when you were little. Sit down on Christmas morning with your family around you, stomach full from Christmas breakfast, Christmas music in the background & take it all in. Tell your family you love them & then thank Jesus for all you've got. Because if you have your family there with you, I promise you've got it all.
