I cannot believe that two years ago I was spending my final days with Mom. In some ways it seems like the two years have flown by and in other ways it feels like I've been paralyzed in time and I'm just never going to be the kind of happy I was when she was here.
Everything about the month of May reminds me of those final weeks. This weather. The sunsets. The lightning bugs that I remember watching when my whole family was staying at our house those last days and we'd sit out on our back porch until 2 in the morning sharing memories. It's all just little reminders of that time and it hurts in a way that I cannot explain.
I have never been shy to talk about what I've been through because talking about it and writing about it has always been an outlet for me. But there are a few details from those last days that I want to keep private, things that I only want to share with my very best friends or my partner someday when I know he is the one and I want to tell him all about my her. But I also have things about those finals times that I do like to share with people, because it wasn't all just sad. There were good moments too.
Like the last "funny" moment I remember having with mom. I think it was exactly a week before she passed. She could not communicate verbally at the time. Beau decided he wanted to let our aunt Kathy buzz his hair for the summer. The next day when dad wheeled mom into the living room, mom saw Beau's hair for the first time, and let's just say she did not like it. She just kept shaking her head no the whole time. We asked her if she liked it and she just rolled her eyes. Needless to say, Beau hasn't buzzed his hair since.
The last time I got to see my mom smile was on Mother's Day. I bought her a monogrammed hat. Hats were essential during the chemo days and this hat was so cute. She opened it and shook her head yes, put it on, and smiled. A moment forever imprinted in my brain.
The details of the last conversation I ever had with her is what I want to keep private. The last conversation, the last words I said to her. I'm just thankful that it was perfect. I got to tell her everything I could have ever wanted to say and I know she heard me because she squeezed my hand. I'll never forget it, I replay that moment in my head daily.
I have grown so much in two years. I have learned how to clean, cook, & do multiple things on my own that I probably wouldn't know how to do for years more if mom were still here. I had to grow up. And in some ways it's not fair but in other ways I am thankful that I have been blessed to have God give me the strength to be able to do all those things.
I am so happy with life and so excited for my future. I can't wait to move, discover the doors God is opening for me, and pursue all my dreams, however it's so hard not having her here. I still have moments where I think, " oh my gosh I've got to call mom! " You would think after two years I would remember. But I still do it all the time. All the time. I dream about her almost every single night. In some dreams she is perfectly healthy and in others she has cancer and I know she's going to die. The good part is that I hear her voice. I'm so lucky that I haven't lost the sound of her voice in my head. I remember what she sounds like. I hear her talking to me all the time. About teaching. About relationships. Everything.
The hardest part is knowing she won't physically be here for all my special moments. Like the day I get my first teaching job. The day I get engaged. The day I go to pick out my wedding dress. The moment when she's supposed to be there to help me zip it up. The night of my reception & she's supposed to be my dancing partner. The day I find out I'm going to be a mom. The day I have my child. In the future I can't wait to have that moment when I look at my child and feel the love that my mother had for me. That's what I want to know. It's all those big, special moments, but it's the little things I'm going to miss out on with her too. Like shopping days. Being able to call her up to baby sit so me & my husband can go out. Movie nights. Cooking with her on Christmas. It's hard to not have her physically here but I know she's watching.
2 years seems like a lot but I've got a lifetime to go. I just hope to be half the woman she was as a daughter, mother, wife, sister, and teacher. She was an incredible woman and I'm so blessed to have been her daughter.
You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.
