When nothing will ever feel the same

It's unbelievable to me that November is here. We are two months away from another year being gone & a new one here. Crazy. With November here, it means the holidays are approaching. Thanksgiving & Christmastime. Two of the best times of the year. 

November is a hard month for me & has been for, what I can't believe, 5 years now. November 17th, 2011 was the day we found out Mom had cancer. And ever since then this time of the year is just hard. The weather. The trees. The leaves. The smells. I love it all, but it's bittersweet. It brings it all back. 

When I think back to moments of my life, everything is either before or after November 17th, 2011. Before mom had cancer or after mom had cancer. Because the day she died was not the day we lost her, the day we lost her was the day we found out she had cancer. Life was & would never be the same. It's something you cannot explain unless you experience it yourself. 

So even though I'm a huge holiday lover, no matter how hard I try, I cannot force the feeling I had when mom was here to come back. It just doesn't feel like the holidays anymore. It hasn't for the past two Christmases & I'm starting to think it won't ever again. What makes the holidays feel like the holidays? The cold weather. The Macy's thanksgiving Day parade on tv. The big meal you eat & when each member of the family goes around & says what they are thankful for. Putting up the tree. The music. Wrapping presents. Spending time with family. Christmas movies. Baking on Christmas Eve. Hot chocolate by the fireplace. These are typically the things that make the holidays.. The holidays. 

These past 5 years since we found out that momma had cancer have been a huge reality check for me. All of those things that made the holidays feel like the holidays, haven't mattered anymore. No matter how hard I try.. None of it feels the same when I'm not doing those things with her. 

The first Christmas that mom had cancer was just a month after she was diagnosed. So quickly you realize how meaningless any of the hustle & bustle is. If you don't have family.. You just don't have any of it. You realize 

It

Really 

Doesn't

Matter

What does matter is family. It's spending time with them during the holidays & really focusing in on what's important. It's  going back & realizing that Jesus is the reason for all of this. I don't care anymore... I don't care about the presents or the most perfect decorations. Sure, I love Christmas movies & songs & I want to get the house decorated just right like momma did. But it really doesn't matter. I would give anything, anything to have the holidays feel like they did when she were here. I would give anything to wrap my arms around her neck again. So I'll take this time & enjoy it with the family I do still have here.

 What I really want is joy. Joy back to our family like we had before. I want to know that everything will be okay, & that all of this we've gone through in 5 years really does work for my good & His glory. Those things can't be bought. 

So this year when you're thinking about the holidays, try to take some time to really, & I mean really, be thankful for you're loved ones. Tell them. Tell them again. If you're in college, go home the second you get the chance. I guarantee your mom cannot wait for you to be home to cook for you & spend Christmastime with you like when you were little. Sit down on Christmas morning with your family around you, stomach full from Christmas breakfast, Christmas music in the background & take it all in. Tell your family you love them & then thank Jesus for all you've got. Because if you have your family there with you, I promise you've got it all.

12 Things I would ask|say to my mom if I had the chance

This is one of those blogs that I've been brain storming in my head for awhile now.  What would I say to her if she were here right now & I had the chance? Well, to be completely honest, things to say add to the list pretty much daily. 

I was what you could say as lucky as could be in the situation I was placed in considering that I knew when my final days with mom were and I had the chance to go and talk with her privately and tell her so many things that I wanted her to be sure she knew. 

But there are things I was I could say or ask that cross my mind all the time....

1. Thank you for hand-writing me notes my entire childhood. From letters in my baby book written to me before I was even born to notes you wrote me the day I moved off to college I have the most perfect pieces that prove to me how much you loved me. P.S. Your hand-writing is perfect. 

2. Thank you for taking me to church. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Because of you I have come to know Christ and every day I want more and more to have the faith that you had. Thank you. 

3. Thank you for singing all the time. Songs come on the radio and I can hear you singing them. You had the prettiest voice ever and you knew you could sing. And yes I knew it too, I just didn't ever want to admit it before. 

4. Thank you for giving me the gift of loving kids. Because of you I am about to start on the journey of changing kids lives. And because of you I want kids of my own someday. 

5. Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed when I had bad days. You were right. "This too shall pass." And it did. 

6. What kind of wedding do you imagine for me? What song would you pick for me to walk down the aisle to? What song should I dance with daddy to? What color schemes are your favorites?

7. What kid names do you like? What would you want my kids to call you? 

8. Seriously, what did you put in your spaghetti to make it so good? 

9. You were right.. Time heals just about everything & I can be happy without the things I thought I would never be able to live without. 

10. Dad did a wonderful job picking up where you left off. I don't know how he does it every day but he's seriously amazing. 

11. Thank you for all those times you told me to never settle. Guys, jobs, and everything else in between. When it comes to these things the first thing I think to myself is, would mom be proud of this? Am I doing everything in a way that is absolutely best for me? 

12. Thank you for showing up in my dreams from time to time to tell me random things and allow me to hear your voice and see your face. I know you're watching over me and daddy and beau and it's nice to have those little reminders. 

I love you, Mom.

XOXO 

•Two•

Timehop is probably one of my favorite apps. I love being able to see what I was doing 2, 3 years ago on an exact date. Most of it is good memories, however within the last few days I just had to delete the app to keep myself from looking at it. Seeing the memories of what was going on in my life two years ago written out on a screen is really just too hard. 

I cannot believe that two years ago I was spending my final days with Mom. In some ways it seems like the two years have flown by and in other ways it feels like I've been paralyzed in time and I'm just never going to be the kind of happy I was when she was here. 

Everything about the month of May reminds me of those final weeks. This weather. The sunsets. The lightning bugs that I remember watching when my whole family was staying at our house those last days and we'd sit out on our back porch until 2 in the morning sharing memories. It's all just little reminders of that time and it hurts in a way that I cannot explain. 

I have never been shy to talk about what I've been through because talking about it and writing about it has always been an outlet for me. But there are a few details from those last days that I want to keep private, things that I only want to share with my very best friends or my partner someday when I know he is the one and I want to tell him all about my her. But I also have things about those finals times that I do like to share with people, because it wasn't all just sad. There were good moments too. 

Like the last "funny" moment I remember having with mom. I think it was exactly a week before she passed. She could not communicate verbally at the time. Beau decided he wanted to let our aunt Kathy buzz his hair for the summer. The next day when dad wheeled mom into the living room, mom saw Beau's hair for the first time, and let's just say she did not like it. She just kept shaking her head no the whole time. We asked her if she liked it and she just rolled her eyes. Needless to say, Beau hasn't buzzed his hair since. 

The last time I got to see my mom smile was on Mother's Day. I bought her a monogrammed hat. Hats were essential during the chemo days and this hat was so cute. She opened it and shook her head yes, put it on, and smiled. A moment forever imprinted in my brain. 

The details of the last conversation I ever had with her is what I want to keep private. The last conversation, the last words I said to her. I'm just thankful that it was perfect. I got to tell her everything I could have ever wanted to say and I know she heard me because she squeezed my hand. I'll never forget it, I replay that moment in my head daily. 

I have grown so much in two years. I have learned how to clean, cook, & do multiple things on my own that I probably wouldn't know how to do for years more if mom were still here. I had to grow up. And in some ways it's not fair but in other ways I am thankful that I have been blessed to have God give me the strength to be able to do all those things. 

I am so happy with life and so excited for my future. I can't wait to move, discover the doors God is opening for me, and pursue all my dreams, however it's so hard not having her here. I still have moments where I think, " oh my gosh I've got to call mom! " You would think after two years I would remember. But I still do it all the time. All the time. I dream about her almost every single night. In some dreams she is perfectly healthy and in others she has cancer and I know she's going to die. The good part is that I hear her voice. I'm so lucky that I haven't lost the sound of her voice in my head. I remember what she sounds like. I hear her talking to me all the time. About teaching. About relationships. Everything.

The hardest part is knowing she won't physically be here for all my special moments. Like the day I get my first teaching job. The day I get engaged. The day I go to pick out my wedding dress. The moment when she's supposed to be there to help me zip it up. The night of my reception & she's supposed to be my dancing partner. The day I find out I'm going to be a mom. The day I have my child. In the future I can't wait to have that moment when I look at my child and feel the love that my mother had for me. That's what I want to know. It's all those big, special moments, but it's the little things I'm going to miss out on with her too. Like shopping days. Being able to call her up to baby sit so me & my husband can go out. Movie nights. Cooking with her on Christmas. It's hard to not have her physically here but I know she's watching.

2 years seems like a lot but I've got a lifetime to go. I just hope to be half the woman she was as a daughter, mother, wife, sister, and teacher. She was an incredible woman and I'm so blessed to have been her daughter. 

You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.