Three

Three. 

Wednesday June 1st, 2016 makes three. 

Three years since I've seen your face, heard your voice, and felt your touch. 

I remember three years ago feeling numb and really not knowing how I would ever make it in life. I remember thinking how will I make it one year without her? Three years without her? How will I make it ten more? Twenty? It really is so hard to comprehend.

In three years, I've faced a lot. There were times when I did not want to go to school anymore. All I wanted was to stay at home with Beau and Dad. I came home from college every weekend. And then there were times when I got brave and strong and did things I never thought I would do. 

I remember going to Nashville as a little girl thinking, I'm going to live there someday. It's been a dream of mine for as long as I can think back to. And now, here I am, with an apartment in Brentwood, an incredible job in Franklin, and living in the city of Nashville that I have always loved. 

So to be where I am today from where I was three years ago today... I get chills thinking about it. God's plan is always so good. I wondered if I would ever be happy again after mom died. I wondered if I would ever have the motivation to go out and pursue my dreams. But God gets you through it and gives you all the desires of your heart if you just trust him. 

If Mom were here, I know she would be sad that her baby girl would be moving. But I also know that she would be so proud of me for what I've accomplished in the last three years. 

Thank you Momma for never leaving me and being by my side through it all. I feel you every time I need you and know you are near. Thank you for being my angel. I love you forever and ever. 

The Last Gift My Mother Gave To Me

Looking at the "memories" Facebook brings up each day can be bittersweet. Today was one of those bittersweet days. Missing mom has been a bit harder than usual lately - and I'm not sure why. I find myself playing the voicemails from her on my phone more often than usual, and I find myself at the graveyard more and more. 

Today I saw where 3 years ago, my mom and I went shopping in Memphis for a dress to my sorority's formal. I think back to this day often. It was our last shopping trip ever. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever take a shopping trip with that woman, I would have never left. 

I was somewhat unaware of how bad off mom was. My parents kept a lot of Mom's diagnoses a secret from my brother and me, because they did not want us to worry. So when I asked my mom to join me on an all day trip to the Memphis Mall to shop for a dress, I didn't realize how much of an obstacle this was for her until she passed away just a few months later. 

Of course she said yes. She never would have said no. And that's the thing about mother's. They really do anything and everything for their kids. I vividly remember her trailing behind me and being short of breath, I remember her saying "we will have to get a wheel chair." I remember pushing her all over the mall, telling her the whole time we could leave, but she never would. 

I remember our meal at the Macaroni Grill. This is one of the last conversations I remember having with her. We were talking about when I have kids someday. I remember telling her that I would be the type of mom who wouldn't leave her kids with just any baby sitter. I remember her saying to me, well who are you gonna get to watch your kids when you need a date night? And I remember so confidently saying, "you!" The look on her face after I said that, said it all. I knew what she was thinking, and she knew that I knew, too. She was thinking about how she wouldn't be there. 

Later that day we found a dress. It took hours, because I am who I am and I can never make up my mind. She saw every dress on me, gave her honest opinion, and helped me find that dress. I remember her saying, "that's the one." That day always makes me think and imagine what it would be like if she could be there when I pick out my wedding dress someday in the future. 

The car ride home, was nothing short of perfect. I got yelled at the whole time for my driving - no surprise there. It was a day I will never forget. 

What I realized today is that the last gift my mom gave me wasn't that dress. The last gift she gave me was that day. That day when she felt terrible, but went with me anyway. When three weeks later, she was unable to get out of bed. She was in so much more pain than I ever knew, but she did it for me anyways. She always did anything for me anyways. Thank you , Momma for everything you ever did and everything you still somehow manage to do. I love you. 

Thank you

You're fifteen, he's sixteen, and you think you're head over heels in love. Every adult laughs at the thought of you two being together for the rest of your lives, but you're convinced. Without a shadow of a doubt, that sixteen year old boy on the football team is going to be your husband. 

Fast forward seven years. You've proved everyone wrong, and you're still with that boy who is your high school sweetheart. You're a year away from graduating college and starting your career when all of the sudden marrying this man becomes a real thought. And what you thought you always wanted, what you just assumed would always happen, all of the sudden isn't at all what you really want. You think back to that fifteen year old girl who dreamed about the times that you're living right then. Is this how you pictured it to be? 

So you do the hardest thing you've ever done. You end it. Because you decide you don't just want to settle. You want to be crazy in love with someone, like you've always dreamed of being. It's hard, and you spend many nights wondering if you did the right thing, leaving your comfort zone. 

Fast forward nine more months. You've had time to heal, time to know that you made the right decision. You've talked to some boys, had some good times, but nothing has come along that's made you realize why you did what you did. 

Then one night, when you least expect it, you meet the one who changes everything. 

When I met you I wasn't in the brightest of places. You quickly brought me out of a serious funk I was in and helped me start to see happiness again. With you, things were easy. It was amazing and young and fresh and exciting and you were sweet and funny and just like me in so many ways. It was addicting. It hit me hard when I quickly realized how much you meant to me. You showed me how much I deserved. You were so thoughtful, you showed me off, and you made me feel so special. I started seeing a future with you and I realized that I was falling in love. I meant every word I said and the problem with people like me who mean everything they say, is that they believe everyone else means everything that they say too. 

So I never thought that you'd just give up. Change your mind. And so quickly too. I'm not mad. Just frustrated. How am I supposed to look at you and not see our future that never was? The thing that is the most frustrating is knowing how happy I make you. If I would have known that feeling would be ripped away from me so quickly, I would have cherished the moments we shared and never taken them for granted. I think commitment isn't something that comes easy to a lot of people, but being the hopeless romantic that I am, I'll never understand why. I think when I told you I liked certain little things about you, things you'd never been complimented on before, your heart beat so loudly in your chest that the first thing you thought to do was to run. I think your heart begged you to hold on but your mind was on the other end screaming at you to let me go. That's when you changed your mind. 

You taught me what I deserve, both out of life and out of a man, and I'll never be able to fully express how thankful I am for that. You let me into your world- your head, your family, and your heart- and you made me feel comfortable enough to do the same. You made me realize why I decided not to settle months ago for just that meteocre happiness. 

So even though it didn't work out with you, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to feel what it's like to really be happy. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I've made a lot of mistakes. But every time I fail, I get closer to seeing what the future should be like. I'm on the path. I'm getting closer and closer to the truth and I'm excited to see what that may bring. I'm learning to be my own best friend and my own support system. I'm learning to give myself the love and happiness I know I deserve. 

 

When nothing will ever feel the same

It's unbelievable to me that November is here. We are two months away from another year being gone & a new one here. Crazy. With November here, it means the holidays are approaching. Thanksgiving & Christmastime. Two of the best times of the year. 

November is a hard month for me & has been for, what I can't believe, 5 years now. November 17th, 2011 was the day we found out Mom had cancer. And ever since then this time of the year is just hard. The weather. The trees. The leaves. The smells. I love it all, but it's bittersweet. It brings it all back. 

When I think back to moments of my life, everything is either before or after November 17th, 2011. Before mom had cancer or after mom had cancer. Because the day she died was not the day we lost her, the day we lost her was the day we found out she had cancer. Life was & would never be the same. It's something you cannot explain unless you experience it yourself. 

So even though I'm a huge holiday lover, no matter how hard I try, I cannot force the feeling I had when mom was here to come back. It just doesn't feel like the holidays anymore. It hasn't for the past two Christmases & I'm starting to think it won't ever again. What makes the holidays feel like the holidays? The cold weather. The Macy's thanksgiving Day parade on tv. The big meal you eat & when each member of the family goes around & says what they are thankful for. Putting up the tree. The music. Wrapping presents. Spending time with family. Christmas movies. Baking on Christmas Eve. Hot chocolate by the fireplace. These are typically the things that make the holidays.. The holidays. 

These past 5 years since we found out that momma had cancer have been a huge reality check for me. All of those things that made the holidays feel like the holidays, haven't mattered anymore. No matter how hard I try.. None of it feels the same when I'm not doing those things with her. 

The first Christmas that mom had cancer was just a month after she was diagnosed. So quickly you realize how meaningless any of the hustle & bustle is. If you don't have family.. You just don't have any of it. You realize 

It

Really 

Doesn't

Matter

What does matter is family. It's spending time with them during the holidays & really focusing in on what's important. It's  going back & realizing that Jesus is the reason for all of this. I don't care anymore... I don't care about the presents or the most perfect decorations. Sure, I love Christmas movies & songs & I want to get the house decorated just right like momma did. But it really doesn't matter. I would give anything, anything to have the holidays feel like they did when she were here. I would give anything to wrap my arms around her neck again. So I'll take this time & enjoy it with the family I do still have here.

 What I really want is joy. Joy back to our family like we had before. I want to know that everything will be okay, & that all of this we've gone through in 5 years really does work for my good & His glory. Those things can't be bought. 

So this year when you're thinking about the holidays, try to take some time to really, & I mean really, be thankful for you're loved ones. Tell them. Tell them again. If you're in college, go home the second you get the chance. I guarantee your mom cannot wait for you to be home to cook for you & spend Christmastime with you like when you were little. Sit down on Christmas morning with your family around you, stomach full from Christmas breakfast, Christmas music in the background & take it all in. Tell your family you love them & then thank Jesus for all you've got. Because if you have your family there with you, I promise you've got it all.

12 Things I would ask|say to my mom if I had the chance

This is one of those blogs that I've been brain storming in my head for awhile now.  What would I say to her if she were here right now & I had the chance? Well, to be completely honest, things to say add to the list pretty much daily. 

I was what you could say as lucky as could be in the situation I was placed in considering that I knew when my final days with mom were and I had the chance to go and talk with her privately and tell her so many things that I wanted her to be sure she knew. 

But there are things I was I could say or ask that cross my mind all the time....

1. Thank you for hand-writing me notes my entire childhood. From letters in my baby book written to me before I was even born to notes you wrote me the day I moved off to college I have the most perfect pieces that prove to me how much you loved me. P.S. Your hand-writing is perfect. 

2. Thank you for taking me to church. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Because of you I have come to know Christ and every day I want more and more to have the faith that you had. Thank you. 

3. Thank you for singing all the time. Songs come on the radio and I can hear you singing them. You had the prettiest voice ever and you knew you could sing. And yes I knew it too, I just didn't ever want to admit it before. 

4. Thank you for giving me the gift of loving kids. Because of you I am about to start on the journey of changing kids lives. And because of you I want kids of my own someday. 

5. Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed when I had bad days. You were right. "This too shall pass." And it did. 

6. What kind of wedding do you imagine for me? What song would you pick for me to walk down the aisle to? What song should I dance with daddy to? What color schemes are your favorites?

7. What kid names do you like? What would you want my kids to call you? 

8. Seriously, what did you put in your spaghetti to make it so good? 

9. You were right.. Time heals just about everything & I can be happy without the things I thought I would never be able to live without. 

10. Dad did a wonderful job picking up where you left off. I don't know how he does it every day but he's seriously amazing. 

11. Thank you for all those times you told me to never settle. Guys, jobs, and everything else in between. When it comes to these things the first thing I think to myself is, would mom be proud of this? Am I doing everything in a way that is absolutely best for me? 

12. Thank you for showing up in my dreams from time to time to tell me random things and allow me to hear your voice and see your face. I know you're watching over me and daddy and beau and it's nice to have those little reminders. 

I love you, Mom.

XOXO 

•Two•

Timehop is probably one of my favorite apps. I love being able to see what I was doing 2, 3 years ago on an exact date. Most of it is good memories, however within the last few days I just had to delete the app to keep myself from looking at it. Seeing the memories of what was going on in my life two years ago written out on a screen is really just too hard. 

I cannot believe that two years ago I was spending my final days with Mom. In some ways it seems like the two years have flown by and in other ways it feels like I've been paralyzed in time and I'm just never going to be the kind of happy I was when she was here. 

Everything about the month of May reminds me of those final weeks. This weather. The sunsets. The lightning bugs that I remember watching when my whole family was staying at our house those last days and we'd sit out on our back porch until 2 in the morning sharing memories. It's all just little reminders of that time and it hurts in a way that I cannot explain. 

I have never been shy to talk about what I've been through because talking about it and writing about it has always been an outlet for me. But there are a few details from those last days that I want to keep private, things that I only want to share with my very best friends or my partner someday when I know he is the one and I want to tell him all about my her. But I also have things about those finals times that I do like to share with people, because it wasn't all just sad. There were good moments too. 

Like the last "funny" moment I remember having with mom. I think it was exactly a week before she passed. She could not communicate verbally at the time. Beau decided he wanted to let our aunt Kathy buzz his hair for the summer. The next day when dad wheeled mom into the living room, mom saw Beau's hair for the first time, and let's just say she did not like it. She just kept shaking her head no the whole time. We asked her if she liked it and she just rolled her eyes. Needless to say, Beau hasn't buzzed his hair since. 

The last time I got to see my mom smile was on Mother's Day. I bought her a monogrammed hat. Hats were essential during the chemo days and this hat was so cute. She opened it and shook her head yes, put it on, and smiled. A moment forever imprinted in my brain. 

The details of the last conversation I ever had with her is what I want to keep private. The last conversation, the last words I said to her. I'm just thankful that it was perfect. I got to tell her everything I could have ever wanted to say and I know she heard me because she squeezed my hand. I'll never forget it, I replay that moment in my head daily. 

I have grown so much in two years. I have learned how to clean, cook, & do multiple things on my own that I probably wouldn't know how to do for years more if mom were still here. I had to grow up. And in some ways it's not fair but in other ways I am thankful that I have been blessed to have God give me the strength to be able to do all those things. 

I am so happy with life and so excited for my future. I can't wait to move, discover the doors God is opening for me, and pursue all my dreams, however it's so hard not having her here. I still have moments where I think, " oh my gosh I've got to call mom! " You would think after two years I would remember. But I still do it all the time. All the time. I dream about her almost every single night. In some dreams she is perfectly healthy and in others she has cancer and I know she's going to die. The good part is that I hear her voice. I'm so lucky that I haven't lost the sound of her voice in my head. I remember what she sounds like. I hear her talking to me all the time. About teaching. About relationships. Everything.

The hardest part is knowing she won't physically be here for all my special moments. Like the day I get my first teaching job. The day I get engaged. The day I go to pick out my wedding dress. The moment when she's supposed to be there to help me zip it up. The night of my reception & she's supposed to be my dancing partner. The day I find out I'm going to be a mom. The day I have my child. In the future I can't wait to have that moment when I look at my child and feel the love that my mother had for me. That's what I want to know. It's all those big, special moments, but it's the little things I'm going to miss out on with her too. Like shopping days. Being able to call her up to baby sit so me & my husband can go out. Movie nights. Cooking with her on Christmas. It's hard to not have her physically here but I know she's watching.

2 years seems like a lot but I've got a lifetime to go. I just hope to be half the woman she was as a daughter, mother, wife, sister, and teacher. She was an incredible woman and I'm so blessed to have been her daughter. 

You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. 

Normalcy

This time of the year is hard. Christmas is approaching us and everyone is talking about all the fun things that are ahead, & while I'm excited for it all, in the back of my mind all I can think about is how it will never be the same. These next two weeks in particular are hard for me. You see, three years ago, during this week, I was living my last week of life as I had known it since I was born. And I had no idea how much it was about to change.

I remember everything about November 14th perfectly. It's like a movie that I can play over & over again in my mind. It was a Monday morning. I was getting ready for school. Mom called me, which I immediately thought was odd because I knew she was supposed to be at work. I answered the phone, & she told me she was at the doctor's office getting her headaches checked out. She sounded fine.. I knew that my mom had been having headaches for about two weeks & I knew that her speech had been a little messed up lately but it wasn't anything that I really stopped & thought twice about. So the second that she told me she was at the doctor, I got this weird feeling in my stomach that something just wasn't right. We hung up, I went to class.  It was 2:23 pm when my mom called me next. I had just been inside the post office in Martin. I was in my car at the red light beside the police station. She said, "I don't want you to panic, but they found a spot on my brain and they want me to come right back to Jackson to get more tests ran." A spot?? What kind of spot? Like a tumor? And while I could tell that she was trying to act like everything would be fine, I could hear her voice cracking & I knew she was scared. 

Jackson General kept my mom for the next two days, and on Wednesday night I finally got a phone call saying that I needed to come home from school because mom was being transferred to Vanderbilt. 

The next day, Thursday, we found out my mom would be having major brain surgery. 

Friday, November 18th, at 9:30a.m. My mom went back for surgery & at 7:00p.m. We were told by her doctor that it was brain cancer & that my 38 year old mother would need chemo & radiation. And that moment is when my life officially changed forever.

For me, that was the moment I lost her. That moment was harder than the day she passed away. Because that was the day that my fun, beautiful, hilarious Mom was stripped away. After that day, she was never the same. 

So that's why this week is so hard for me. I wish I could go back & relive this last week of normalcy before it was all taken away. You just never know when something could happen & your life as you know it is gone in an instant. 

Now that it's been almost a year & a half since she passed away, I am at peace with everything & my family & I have created "a new normal." There are days that I get down.. Moments when I hear a song, or smell a smell, or see one of her friends out.. Those moments that come every now & then hit me in my stomach & I almost feel like I can't breathe. But for the most part I can live my life happily. I don't cry everyday. I'm not sad every day. Time has healed it all & I can finally talk about her & not feel sad. I'm happy with where I'm at. But I look back on that time three years ago, and I think WOW. HOW DID I DO THAT? How did I make it through? How was I so strong? That time was the worst time in my life & I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. 

Every bit of it, now & then, was God. I always heard that in situations like that people say that God gives you strength that you didn't even know you had & that is SO true. Before I lost a parent, I would look at people who had lost parents & think... How are they even still alive? I couldn't survive without mine. But somehow, someway, God gets you through it. He's there & He's good. He helps you find a new normal. He never fails.